when it all falls down

It is now 10:11 pm in UK, but it is 4:11 am in Jakarta.. I am jetlagged.. I can’t go back to sleep, I have been awake for 2 hours ish. I have a lot on my mind. Mainly about my dad, how much I miss seeing him at home. Seeing him in his room, sleeping next to my mom and me. I miss him. I saw him two days ago when I first arrived in Jakarta. It was not what I was expecting at first, but now I think where he is staying is so much better than.. well, any other places. Yesterday it was decided that he would be staying in a proper jail for 4 and a half years. When I first heard it, I was half asleep. All I could hear was my mom talking about it with my two aunts. At first I didn’t take it in very well, as I thought that the decision was not final yet. But as I woke up, I heard my mom calling my sister and telling her the news, and she cried. I woke up right away and tried to give my mom a hug. Then my aunt came in the room, trying to calm my mom down, but she was also crying. To my surprise, I felt numb. I couldn’t take it all in, how could I? How do you swallow news like that? My other aunt came in the room, but I heard her crying her eyes out before that. Everyone was crying at one point or another, but I wasn’t, I couldn’t. Maybe I was in denial. I kept on wondering how my sister was taking it, on the phone with my mom she seemed to have an optimistic attitude, just like my dad. As if, the news was just like any other news they couldn’t do anything about. That’s true, but still, this was my dad, MY dad. I managed to shed a few tears just 30 minutes ago. But still, it wasn’t much, the tears didn’t do what I was truly feeling any justice. My tears didn’t express how much hurt, confusion, anger, and resentment I was feeling inside. I still am feeling all of that, but I could still feel a sense of numbness. Numb, I don’t feel a thing, maybe I do feel something but I just don’t have the word for it. I thought that maybe if I got up and wrote something down, maybe this feeling could slowly die down. My brother is on his way home now, he said he’ll arrive at 5 am. I have not seen him in almost a year, the last time was when I went to Yogya with my parents, my driver and our nanny. That was too much fun, I remembered being in the car, laughing at the things my parents were saying, at what my dad was saying mostly. My dad can be so funny at times. I miss him.