Thursday, 6 August 2009

It's August Already?

I think God has heard my prayers. Every little thing is slowly falling into place and I have not lift a finger. Each day passes and your presence is stronger by the hour. This is fun, this is calming, this feels familiar. Somehow you are back in my life, but this time, this time is different. This time I'm not so afraid, I'm not so weak anymore. I don't want to know where we're heading, frankly I don't really care. I will be waiting for you with the biggest smile on my face. When we are there, it will be a moment we've both been dreaming of.

My heart is yours.
"And I don't know, and I can't guess if it's gonna be okay but now my last wish is that you do this with me, kiss me here, hold my hand, let me feel like I'm the only one. I know you can, won't you do it for me now?"

Monday, 6 July 2009

when it all falls down yet again

Having just found out that my grandfather had passed away made my head feel like it’s about to explode. I don’t think it was the death of my grandfather that had broken my heart so much, it was more about seeing my mother’s devastating reaction to the tragedy that just made me feel helpless. As soon as she started screaming in the car, I was already aware that my grandfather had died. From that point on all I could think of in my head was what to do next? What do I say? What do I do? I did not feel a thing right after my mother told me about the news. Didn’t feel a thing that it frustrated me so much. I started telling myself over and over again in my head that my grandfather had just died! My grandfather just died! Until 10 minutes later tears started pouring down my face. My little nephew began crying and screaming along with mother when he saw my mother crying her eyes out like never before, although he did not understand what was going on.

I was stunned. There was nothing I could possibly say at that moment that could ever mend my mother’s heart. I did not say anything. I could not say anything. I could not do anything but sit there and wait until we get home.

As soon as we arrived home, my mother stopped and asked me if what she had heard earlier on the phone was correct. If her father really had just passed away. If her older sister really was telling the truth. For a second I could not say anything. How was I suppose to answer to something that can hurt her so much? She burst into tears again and this time I had my driver and my maid helping her to calm down. I was not any better myself. I broke down into tears as I hugged my mother as firmly as I can.

We helped her upstairs and all she could say was to hurry up and pack my clothes because we were going to leave to grandpa’s house right away. I hurried to my room and opened my closet. I knew I had to search for clothes to pack but at the same time I wasn’t sure what I was looking for. I could see my hands going through my closet all over the place, but my head was somewhere else. I was shaking inside and kept telling myself to snap it up and just be strong. At that moment, time felt longer than it ever did before. What felt like 3 hours of seeing my mother suffer from the internal pain were only in fact just an hour of constant panic inside.

It was one of the most nerve racking experience I've ever gone through in my life. I've never felt so helpless before, feeling like a statue the whole time just standing there in complete shock.

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

"i WANT you!"

I don’t see the point in being in a relationship that brings you constant unhappiness, ESPECIALLY when you're still young. What is the point in wasting your time fighting/arguing back and forth, wondering if you’re boy/girlfriend is still thinking of you or thinking about hooking up with another person? I don’t believe you should be in an official relationship just because you love somebody. Why not just love without wanting or expecting anything in return. Why not just love without bragging via friendster, facebook or myspace. This is beside those couples that trully enjoy being with each other; go ahead be happy, that’s awesome. This is for those boys out there wanting to be with a girl and talking a lot of crap as if they’re so sure of themselves in order to simply HAVE THE GIRL. Chill, homies.
“What the eyes don’t see, the heart does grieve over. The further off they are, the closer to the heart are all those feelings that we try to repress and forget. If we’re in exile, we want to store away every tiny memory of our roots. If we’re far from the person we love, everyone we pass in the street reminds us of them.”

Paulo Coelho - Eleven Minutes (pg, 248)