expectations

i kind of promised myself that i wouldn't write anything personal on my blog. if i were to write anything personal it would be through poems of some sort. but now i have something on my mind and i feel like sharing it with whomever is reading my blog right now. i wanna talk about expectations. expectations that we either consciously or unconsciously have of other people. i've realized more and more this time of how any expectations i have of my friends, family, or even strangers often ruin the true relationship that i would have had if i were to simply accept them as how they are and not hold any mental expectations of how i would like them to be.

relationships with my past boyfriends, are good examples of the many expectations i had put on them as 'my boyfriend', for them to fill or achieve in order to make me feel happy inside. that kind of thought is almost insane to me now. it's obviously impossible to 'fill' other people's expectations in the first place, let alone be able to fulfill each and every one of them. i used to think that if my boyfriend could not be how i wanted him to be in order for me to be happy, then he is simply not good enough for me. as stupid as that may sound, i was thinking that way at the time, until eventually most of them would snap me up and say: "hey, i have my own ways of doing things." i never truly understood what they meant by that at the time, now it's crazy as hell to realize that i had that kind of frame of mind whilst i was with a person i actually loved.

the whole expecting other people to act a certain way towards you or do certain things to you, is bullshit. it really actually is bullshit. this is what i think gets in the way of true and honest relationships. if we have expectations, be it either small or big expectations, it doesn't matter, an expectation alone can get in the way of true acceptance. there are so many questions or more like complaints of: "how come you don't do this for me?" or "i have done this for her, why can't she be more like that?" or whatever kind, you know the rest, there are so many of these unecessary noises when it comes to relationships. what most people don't realize is that the effect of the chains of expectations we put on others can continuously grow like a snow ball rolling from the top of the hill to the bottom. they eventually get bigger. im not really good at analogies, but you get what i mean.

there's this guy on youtube who said it best, about relationships. that we cannot be in a true relationship unless we already feel complete within ourselves, alone. if we go into a relationship expecting or thinking that our 'love' ones will 'complete' us or 'bring' us happiness, most of the time if not always, they will somehow disappoint us. because, they're humans, just like us, they'll never be able to complete or fulfill anything in its fullness, they're not perfect. being in a relationship should not 'complete' you, you should already feel complete even before you commit or love anyone else in the first place. that is the most important thing. it is also the best part about being in love. when you already feel fine with yourself, and you love the other person, and he or she compliments you. compliments the person that you are, solely. it's amazing when you're in that kind of relationship, you can feel the strong presence of honesty and realness to it. good things come to those who least expect it. that's a little saying that i think has some truths to it.

i guess that's all for now. rapping things up, i think that any expectations you have of others should just be listened to. when you realize you have one or two popping up in your mind as soon as you meet a person, or commit to something with another person or whatever, have a listen to those expectations. smile or laugh at them, then move on. it feels quite good when you notice that they are there but you don't have to follow or belief they that need to be fulfilled. i call it a 'yumm' feeling when you get to that point of realization.

Thy four letter word

You articulate satisfaction to the core

Grant us with such brilliant beauty never felt before

Oh the beauty thy create

No longer we cry of blues

As every trace of tension you take

Thy magnificence

With you we are pleased,

Blissfully pleased each time you’re at hand

Oh when you’re at hand,

We’re at ease

In every breath of tranquillity

Finally we’re at peace

I thank thy sorrow
For soon I’ll share delight
With whom I like
Lets thank thy tears
Spilling heartache and fears
Lets thank thy heart
As it cracks but it heals
I listen, thy poetry
To breeze the summer lights
And elevate this night
To open all ears
I am no more nor less
No better nor worse
The grass isn’t any greener
To my right nor to my left
As one tear flows
A smile awaits
Behind thy gloomy faces
Laughter sits like a bait
I am anything
I am everything
I am whatever
I am whomever
I choose to be
Lets toast
As I am free
As I am floating
I am all that I feel
I am all that I see
Sing this verse with me
Oh, I am free

I'm on my 5th week of the second semester in my last year of uni

aargh!

dread-ing the moment when this whole thing will end on june

7
weeks
left
of the semester

crap...

:'(

i'm scared of graduating!

actually no, i'm scared of NOT graduating, but

i'm so scared of what might come after graduating...

i

don't

know...



ah!

I found this on my laptop just before, I had written it ages ago, but never read it again until now. Thought that I might as well share it.. :)

I’m 19 years old; this is what I know about life so far.
Hoping to find love from your boyfriend or girlfriend, in order for you to find love for yourself will never get you the love you want. The ultimate love that you should be looking for is within yourself and nowhere else. When you’ve learned to love yourself in your own way, nothing else can fade you out of it. Trying to find yourself in other people won’t get you anywhere but feeling disappointed. Because the truth is no one else knows you better than yourself, you just don’t know it yet. Learn to look for love nowhere else but in yourself, from there you can give and in turn receive true love from others you care for. How? Spend time being with yourself, without depending on guys or girls to give love or support to you. It isn’t easy but it’s worth it.

Whatever you give out to people will always come back to you. Lying, cheating, manipulating, using, any sorts of behavior you make will ultimately come back to you. The same goes with other people’s behavior towards you, whatever they’ve done to you, will ultimately come back to them. When I’m hurt, I’ve learned to be glad that I’m hurt, because I know that someday, somehow that person will feel it too without me having to say anything or lift a finger. Sit back, relax and live your life, karma will always take care of things in its’ own natural ways.

What we give out will only come back to us, so blame no one else but ourselves. And life is fair, if you pay attention to the way you feel everyday, happiness doesn’t last forever and neither does pain. When we feel sad today, understand and know that we will feel happy again if not now then soon. When the days are still shitty, start doing something about it. Good things won’t come to you in a delivery; you’ll need effort and patience.

The things we take for granted will leave us, unless we start appreciating it’s presence. Boyfriends, girlfriends, family, money, belongings, any living or materialistic things will eventually leave, unless we begin to say thank you for having them in our lives. Appreciating them once they’re gone is never a nice feeling to have, especially knowing you’ve fucked it up way too bad for it to go back. So be glad to have whatever it is you have right now in your life and say thank fuck you’ve got them before it’s too late.

Saying sorry and admitting you’re wrong sometimes can be the hardest thing to do. But you’ll never grow up unless you can learn to do that and mean it. Accepting that you’ve made a mistake and living up to the consequences is a part of growing up. So unless you start taking responsibilities for your own actions, you will never experience how it feels to grow up.

Treat others the way you would want to be treated. In other words, if you don’t want people talking shit behind your back, don’t do it yourself. If you don’t want your boyfriends or girlfriends to cheat or lie to you, don’t do it yourself. If you don’t want people to be mean to you, don’t do it yourself. However, if you don’t give a shit whether any of those things happen to you or not, and you feel like you can handle it if they were to happen to you, then go ahead do what you want. Understand that ultimately you’re going to be the one facing the consequences, so unless you feel like you can handle it, think twice about the decision you’re about to make.

Being jealous is about being insecure; we just don’t want to admit it. Why? Because it would mean that we’re not happy with ourselves that’s why we envy those that we think has something that we’re lacking. What to do to not get jealous? Be secure. How? Learn to see the good things in your selves and learn from your bad habits. How? Learn in your own way to love your body, mind and spirit, because it is the only body, mind and spirit you get to have. What else is best to do but to embrace what you have right now and make the best use of it, while you still can? Instead of complaining and reminding yourself of who you’re not and what you don’t have, start focusing on what you can actually do. Love yourself.

We give a fuck even when we say we don’t give a fuck. We’d like to give the impression that we don’t care about anyone else’s’ opinions, when deep down inside we actually mind when people talk shit. Instead of giving an act that we couldn’t care less, accept the fact that we’re only human and we can only go so far with not caring. No matter how much we want to think that we only care about ourselves, the truth is we will always care about others’ opinions. Caring isn’t such a bad thing to feel when we know how to use it the right way. However, looking for acceptance from other people is the type of caring that will give you no advantage. People will always have their different opinions and are entitled to them in every way, worrying about whether they like you or not would be a waste of time if you already feel happy with yourself. Not everyone’s going to like you anyways, so does it really matter? Is it really that bad? No.

i wish i cared enough
i don't want you to leave
i still want to lie down
run my fingers through the grass
i still want to breathe the air so light
with the sun shinning through the clouds
i still want to see the ocean so clear
see the blue reflection of the sky
please
i still want to swim in the sea
see the way the sun sets far from me
please
i still want to see leaves grow on trees
see it fall in autumn
grow back in spring
enjoy the sun in summer
without feeling guilty
please
i still want mother nature to live
please don't go
no more talking about the world ending
i still want to grow old and have kids
please
please don't go
don't leave
i'm here
i'm still here
i'm not the only one who wants this
please
please stay
don't leave
not now
not this way
please stay until we can fix this
please trust us
stay a little longer
wait for us to make everything better again
i don't want to be afraid of reality
i don't want to be scared of what is

i can't change the world
but i'm not the only one who's trying

I love Def Jam Poetry.
It encourages and allow people to speak out their thoughts and opinions, with respect through poetry in such a beautiful way. I think shows like this should be made available more to the public, especially to younger kids in our generation.
Youth Speaks is a perfect example of an organization that provides young teens, a place where their voices can be heard loud and clear:
"Shifting perceptions of youth by combating illiteracy, alienation and silence to create a global movement of brave new voices bringing the noise from the margin to the core."
Check it out: http://www.youthspeaks.org/
:)

I read some form of a survey on a magazine months ago, asking random guys (I don't understand why they only asked guys and not girls) the question: “If you could cheat on your girlfriend and get away with it, would you do it?” Some answered yes, some answered no, but most of the guys had said that they would. So then I decided to ask my friends (both female and male) the very same question because I was mainly curious, and contrast to the results in the survey, most of my friends had said no (maybe it's cos I included females' point of views? ;p).

Their reasons varied between either one of these statements:
"I love my girlfriend/boyfriend too much, to do anything like that."
“I would not want it to happen to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”
“I'd feel very guilty whenever I’d see my girlfriend/boyfriend after that, and I wouldn’t be able to keep it to myself."

There were more, but these were the most popular reasons to why they would rather not cheat. I think it is quite cute that most of my friends were pretty conscious to the consequences of cheating.

It got me thinking about how easy it is to say no to cheating or any acts that may hurt our ‘partner’, when we aren’t currently faced with the situation. There are some people out there, who do not want to cheat, but when the temptation’s starring at them in the face, they easily give in.

Perhaps it relates to people’s inhibitory control, how well they are usually able to say no to other things like drugs, heavy drinking, inappropriate sexual intercourse, etc. Perhaps it relates to peoples’ self-esteem, how secure or insecure they are as a person may contribute to their lack of self-assurance in decision making. It may also relate to differences in peoples’ personalities, impulsivity may contribute to their lack of self-control. It may relate to how happy and fulfilled people feel they are in their relationship with their 'partner'. Or it may simply be due to boredom, thus anything new, arises the idea of excitement into their lives.

I think there are plenty more reasons to why people cheat and continue to do so in spite of the consequences. I find it quite fascinating how some people are able to say no, whilst others seem to struggle to resist the ‘temptation’ of cheating in the first place.

The more I try to learn about life, the less I know about it. I had thought that by reading books on how to live life, I could somehow manage to become a better person.

I had thought that if I read enough books by Paulo Coelho, I could finally get the courage to live my life differently. Fearless, maybe? I don't know. I thought if I knew how to use ‘The Secret’, I could learn to go after what I want in life with more eagerness and determination. I also thought that if I could finish A New Earth, I could somehow find my ‘true self’.

Yet, after reading and watching these similar types of books and shows, instead of feeling like I’ve found the answers to all of my questions, I ended up with plenty more questions than I did before.

When the initial purpose of me indulging myself into these things were to simplify the rules I had of life, I ended up getting tangled in a bigger pile of unanswered questions.

People can only go so far in trying to explain the best way to live our lives, to go for our dreams and to find peace. They can only go so far.

I had spent most of my time trying to find something that was clearly there all along. When all I had to do was simply LIVE MY LIFE the best way I could possibly live it.

So perhaps, instead of always trying to look for answers in others, I should just live. That's what we all came here to do after all, no?