Name Your Blog.

It's August Already?

2009-08-06T18:43:00.000-07:00

I think God has heard my prayers. Every little thing is slowly falling into place and I have not lift a finger. Each day passes and your presence is stronger by the hour. This is fun, this is calming, this feels familiar. Somehow you are back in my life, but this time, this time is different. This time I'm not so afraid, I'm not so weak anymore. I don't want to know where we're heading, frankly I don't really care. I will be waiting for you with the biggest smile on my face. When we are there, it will be a moment we've both been dreaming of.

My heart is yours.

2009-08-06T18:40:00.000-07:00

"And I don't know, and I can't guess if it's gonna be okay but now my last wish is that you do this with me, kiss me here, hold my hand, let me feel like I'm the only one. I know you can, won't you do it for me now?"

when it all falls down yet again

2009-07-06T20:25:00.000-07:00

Having just found out that my grandfather had passed away made my head feel like it’s about to explode. I don’t think it was the death of my grandfather that had broken my heart so much, it was more about seeing my mother’s devastating reaction to the tragedy that just made me feel helpless. As soon as she started screaming in the car, I was already aware that my grandfather had died. From that point on all I could think of in my head was what to do next? What do I say? What do I do? I did not feel a thing right after my mother told me about the news. Didn’t feel a thing that it frustrated me so much. I started telling myself over and over again in my head that my grandfather had just died! My grandfather just died! Until 10 minutes later tears started pouring down my face. My little nephew began crying and screaming along with mother when he saw my mother crying her eyes out like never before, although he did not understand what was going on.

I was stunned. There was nothing I could possibly say at that moment that could ever mend my mother’s heart. I did not say anything. I could not say anything. I could not do anything but sit there and wait until we get home.

As soon as we arrived home, my mother stopped and asked me if what she had heard earlier on the phone was correct. If her father really had just passed away. If her older sister really was telling the truth. For a second I could not say anything. How was I suppose to answer to something that can hurt her so much? She burst into tears again and this time I had my driver and my maid helping her to calm down. I was not any better myself. I broke down into tears as I hugged my mother as firmly as I can.

We helped her upstairs and all she could say was to hurry up and pack my clothes because we were going to leave to grandpa’s house right away. I hurried to my room and opened my closet. I knew I had to search for clothes to pack but at the same time I wasn’t sure what I was looking for. I could see my hands going through my closet all over the place, but my head was somewhere else. I was shaking inside and kept telling myself to snap it up and just be strong. At that moment, time felt longer than it ever did before. What felt like 3 hours of seeing my mother suffer from the internal pain were only in fact just an hour of constant panic inside.

It was one of the most nerve racking experience I've ever gone through in my life. I've never felt so helpless before, feeling like a statue the whole time just standing there in complete shock.

"i WANT you!"

2009-06-30T19:20:00.000-07:00

I don’t see the point in being in a relationship that brings you constant unhappiness, ESPECIALLY when you're still young. What is the point in wasting your time fighting/arguing back and forth, wondering if you’re boy/girlfriend is still thinking of you or thinking about hooking up with another person? I don’t believe you should be in an official relationship just because you love somebody. Why not just love without wanting or expecting anything in return. Why not just love without bragging via friendster, facebook or myspace. This is beside those couples that trully enjoy being with each other; go ahead be happy, that’s awesome. This is for those boys out there wanting to be with a girl and talking a lot of crap as if they’re so sure of themselves in order to simply HAVE THE GIRL. Chill, homies.

2009-06-30T19:08:00.001-07:00

“What the eyes don’t see, the heart does grieve over. The further off they are, the closer to the heart are all those feelings that we try to repress and forget. If we’re in exile, we want to store away every tiny memory of our roots. If we’re far from the person we love, everyone we pass in the street reminds us of them.”

Paulo Coelho - Eleven Minutes (pg, 248)

Youth of China Movement

2009-06-30T19:05:00.000-07:00

Follow your heart. I know a lot of my friends, who have families with strict morals, not allowing them to choose what they wish to take for their major in college/university for different reasons. What are they to do in this situation? Where’s that fine line between going for your dreams and respecting your parent’s wishes? What about those with little, and almost no choice? We certainly must look at it from the parent’s point of views, the initial reason they want their kids to take subjects such as accounting, business, economy, or finance for example is because they believe by taking that specific major, their kid’s future can have a better chance at success. The reason they’re making their kids follow their suggestion is for their kid’s own good, is because they care. Yet at the same time it is quite unfortunate my friends cannot choose what they want to study, although my mom still until today like to remind me of what stupid decision I made for choosing psychology, I couldn’t care less. So where’s the fine line between respecting your parent’s wishes and going for your dreams?

when it comes to relationships

2009-06-30T18:59:00.003-07:00

Some girls need a lot more time to be able to jump in and say the words “I love you”. For me, I would have to feel a certain way about the guy first, and any small uncomfortable moves the guy makes can change my feelings for him in a second. I don’t know if you can call me picky for wanting things a certain way when it comes to falling in love, but I do however feel that it isn’t as easy as people nowadays make it to be. To me love is so much more than just attraction, chemistry, passion, lust or having something in common or wanting to be with each other. Which is why maybe in order for me to be ready to commit myself to a relationship, the feel and the thought of being with him should make me feel at ease instead of questioning myself if whether or not I am making the right decision. I would have to feel secure, comfortable, happy, and proud just for knowing the guy, in order for me to be able to give my heart to him. Sometimes, I pity myself for making such a hassle on a simple “will you be my girlfriend?” question, but I’d rather be single than to be in a relationship I said yes to just because I felt that I maybe-sorta-kinda-like the guy.

“Do you still love her/him?”

2009-06-30T18:53:00.000-07:00

For some, when it comes the curiosities of our boyfriends/girlfriends previous ex’s, this question usually or occasionally will rise sooner or later in the relationship. It’s the type of question that you certainly would expect the answer to be “Of course not” or “No, baby I love you” or something that has N.O. in the sentence. And that if the answer comes in with a long pause in the front like, “uuh,, what do you mean do I still love him/her?” or “umm, you mean love as in care right?” or the one you’re probably dreading the most, “um, well, I still care for her yeah,, but I don’t love her.” Then the strings of angry, curious, negative-thinking questions arrives to your brain and then you’re mouth start saying things like, “so you still think about your ex or something?!” or “The Fck!?”

Bottom line: Don't ask the question if you're not prepared to hear the answer.

“Mau jadi cewe gw gak?”

2009-06-30T18:51:00.000-07:00

Hell to the no I don’t want to be your “cewe”. What does that question even mean?? Will you be my girl? It’s such a weird worded question that every time I hear it, it just sounds so corny and downright wrong. Why not just say, “I like you very much and I’d like to be with you.” And then maybe wait until you hear what the girl has to say about this. Instead of just asking a yes or no question, why not first reveal your feelings for her, then wait a while to see her response, this way the girl can then express her feelings for you without the need to hide what’s true in order to avoid hurting you. This way, the guy can at least get the idea of where this girl stand in the relationship, instead of just hearing the word “no”. Unless the guy prefers a straight answer than a “I like you, but I want to be alone for now, but I don’t want you to go away, but…” and it goes on like that for about 10 minutes.

2009-06-30T03:47:00.001-07:00

I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world
I smile all day and cry all night behind closed doors
I laugh when there are friends around and feel so lost when I’m alone
I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world
I say I’m alright, I’m completely fine when I am crying out inside
I say I’ve never been better in my life when I’ve never been worse
I say I’m having so much fun when I’m wishing to be some place else
I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world
I try to not contact you and act busy when all I can think about is calling you
I put pictures up just to show you how happy I am when they’re only a front
I go online just to see if you’re there or not and avoid my friends because it’s just you who I really want to talk to right now
I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world
And now I don’t care if I sound sad or pathetic because this is how I really feel
No more trying to bid you goodbye because I know I could never actually do that
I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world

2009-06-30T03:40:00.000-07:00

Boy: Udah makan belom?
Girl: Belom..
Boy: Makan dong.. Kalo gak makan ntar sakit lho
Girl: ...

Why is it that most Indonesian guys come up with the most ridiculous things to say?

the next few days

2009-06-30T03:35:00.000-07:00

I wasn’t brave enough to go downstairs ever since I got home. Just now I was eating spaghetti but I needed to heat it up so my mom told me to go downstairs myself and do it. I think I was dreading this deep down inside but I just went anyway. As soon as I got to the kitchen, I was already in tears. Something about expecting to see my dad there, sitting by the kitchen table, reading newspapers, seeing nothing but emptiness filling the room instead hit me hard. I couldn’t help but mentally picture him in there. How can you feel the presence of a person knowing clearly that he/she is not there? I tried to dry my tears quickly as soon as I heard someone walking down the stairs. I went to my room instead and cried. I didn’t cry for long, I knew I had to go back to my mom’s room to eat. When I walked in the room I was trying to look normal, wanting my mom to spot that I had been crying at the same time. I think her mother instinct picked up something from me, but she didn’t say anything. How long will this last? I don’t know how I will ever get used to this. I can’t even stay in my room, all I start to think is how my dad is not home, and will never be home for long.

when it all falls down

2009-06-30T03:34:00.001-07:00

It is now 10:11 pm in UK, but it is 4:11 am in Jakarta.. I am jetlagged.. I can’t go back to sleep, I have been awake for 2 hours ish. I have a lot on my mind. Mainly about my dad, how much I miss seeing him at home. Seeing him in his room, sleeping next to my mom and me. I miss him. I saw him two days ago when I first arrived in Jakarta. It was not what I was expecting at first, but now I think where he is staying is so much better than.. well, any other places. Yesterday it was decided that he would be staying in a proper jail for 4 and a half years. When I first heard it, I was half asleep. All I could hear was my mom talking about it with my two aunts. At first I didn’t take it in very well, as I thought that the decision was not final yet. But as I woke up, I heard my mom calling my sister and telling her the news, and she cried. I woke up right away and tried to give my mom a hug. Then my aunt came in the room, trying to calm my mom down, but she was also crying. To my surprise, I felt numb. I couldn’t take it all in, how could I? How do you swallow news like that? My other aunt came in the room, but I heard her crying her eyes out before that. Everyone was crying at one point or another, but I wasn’t, I couldn’t. Maybe I was in denial. I kept on wondering how my sister was taking it, on the phone with my mom she seemed to have an optimistic attitude, just like my dad. As if, the news was just like any other news they couldn’t do anything about. That’s true, but still, this was my dad, MY dad. I managed to shed a few tears just 30 minutes ago. But still, it wasn’t much, the tears didn’t do what I was truly feeling any justice. My tears didn’t express how much hurt, confusion, anger, and resentment I was feeling inside. I still am feeling all of that, but I could still feel a sense of numbness. Numb, I don’t feel a thing, maybe I do feel something but I just don’t have the word for it. I thought that maybe if I got up and wrote something down, maybe this feeling could slowly die down. My brother is on his way home now, he said he’ll arrive at 5 am. I have not seen him in almost a year, the last time was when I went to Yogya with my parents, my driver and our nanny. That was too much fun, I remembered being in the car, laughing at the things my parents were saying, at what my dad was saying mostly. My dad can be so funny at times. I miss him.

LMAO

2009-05-12T12:41:00.000-07:00

maaaah! paaaaah!

2009-05-10T15:53:00.000-07:00

I just wanna give a quick (or not) shout out to my parents. My mamah and papah, mummy and daddie, whatever the name, I just wanna say Happy Mothers Day (even though I'm a day late... I think...) and Happy Fathers Day (even thought I know I am super late for this one)! I love you both equally so very much with all of my tiny little heart (to which the love is unmeasurable of course..).

You guys 'complete' me (if there is such a thing) and make me feel so proud to be a human being who is the product of the both of you emerging together (lol). I feel very lucky to have been put into this earth, into mama's pregnant tummy and to have been raised by a family that can be a little bit koo-koo crazy at times, but whom I still unconditionally love. I honestly cannot complain or ask for anything more.

I don't want to say I'm feeling happy, because that feeling comes and goes ;p but I do want to say that I am all right, I am okay (I sound like Ashley Tisdale) and it is all because of you guys. You both are awesome human beings! and yes, I love you.

Aiiit, gonna hit the bed. *laughing to myself*
hit the bed. hahaahaha.. ok.
Goodnight, mah. Goodnight, pah.
dang, it's been a while since I've said that to you guys... :)

2009-05-10T14:49:00.004-07:00

Nothing seems to come into my mind but you, my dear. It’s still you, surprise, surprise. What I always wonder in my mind, what are you up to right now? How is life treating you so far? Are you feeling all right? I want to say I’ve been missing you. I always do. I am doing just fine here on the other side of the world away from you. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, but I haven’t forgotten about you. How could I? Sometimes on my way out of the house, I'd walk on by, and I would visualize what it would be like, feel like, and look like if you were walking up towards me. A smile would instantly come with joy that covers up my body with ease. I'm smiling inside because of you. Sometimes I miss you so much it starts to hurt. But I am happy, so happy for you. To see pictures of you looking so happy, to still talk to you from time to time catching up on things to hear how well you are doing. I smile. You always make me smile. Now as I’m writing this for you, I can feel my chest starting to tighten up, my throat starting to squeeze itself, as if I am starting to choke on these thoughts, the longing to be with you, to see you or simply be next to you. I miss you. I don’t know how many times I could say this until I get bored of saying it but I’ll say it an uncountable amount of times if I need to because I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I miss you

2009-05-04T16:18:00.000-07:00

avoiding sleep because i'm scared of tomorrow... (?)

cilukba!

2009-04-29T04:02:00.001-07:00

i made a youtube account and posted my two videos on there. check it out! or not, wtv: www.youtube.com/user/tessarleys. o and if anyone knows how to change the account name: tessarleys. please let me know! cos i wanna change it. incase any of you is wondering why the hell its called tessarleys... well, the stupid reason was because ages ago (i sound old), i was fooling around on youtube trying to make an account. at the time i was so in love with Bob Marley. so i decided, cleverly, to put tessarleys.........a mix of his last name and my first name apparently......... ANYWAYS, now i wanna change it. but don't know where to go to do that. can anyone help me? :)

fckng1@!@£! lost for words!£!!@%$

2009-04-29T02:30:00.000-07:00

Kid Cudi Dat New New VIKING REMIX!!!!!!!!!!! what the hell am i hearing?! the original version is already awesome!! now this?!?! i can't stop dancing to it aaaaargh!! MINT! ILL! SICK! WICKED! wtv u wanna call it IT IS $£!£$@$@.., put on your headphones, people! BLAST that shit up!! :D
"you can look all over but O you'll never find... HOT. SHIT. like mine. WOOP. it blow your mind" haha
check out their myspace!!! -> www.myspace.com/pjtheviking

can i marry him?

2009-04-29T02:29:00.000-07:00

Day 'n' Nite - Kid Cudi from DP on Vimeo.

another one for daddie

2009-04-28T14:44:00.000-07:00

this is a little video i made for my friends, who seem to be all over the world right now. i first heard the song yesterday when Quie showed it to me on youtube. i fell in love with it right away and thought of singing the song for my friends. and since i'm almost done with lectures (this week is my last week!), i had a lot of free time on my hands. it took a long while for me to get both the lyrics and the chords right. i made soooooo many uncountable mistakes, and i had to keep redoing the whole thing until i could finally sing the whole song without forgetting the words or the chords. however, my best was still not good enough, i still made mistakes here and there. but o well, at least i tried, right? hope you enjoy it. Quie was singing in the background again, cos i asked her to! i love how she can make the song sound soo much better than if it was just me singing it alone. so big thanx to her, yay! oh btw, the audio on this video is so much better than the first video i made. i used your silver Nokia phone. haha. enjoy, dad!

Jake Shimabukuro... =O

2009-04-27T13:50:00.000-07:00

"all the details in the fabric, all the things that make you panic."

2009-04-27T12:51:00.000-07:00

i'm in love with this song - Details in the Fabric by Jason Mraz & James Morrison. i love the lyrics and the melody. the combination of their voices together. the way the guitar sound sooo soothing to my ears. first time i heard it, i had tears in my eyes, aww... (i kno i'm a pussy). i don't know what it is exactly about this song that moves me a lot. it makes me feel calm. hence the first line of the lyrics "calm down. deep breaths" =) i just love everything about it. i tried playing it on my ukulele this morning, but i suck. the chords are a little bit more complicated than i thought. boo! o well. i'll just enjoy it for now..

ps: i've been learning this song by Lenka called The Show. i think the song is super cute and cheerful. i've been trying to remember the chords and the lyrics. my friend and i couldn't stop laughing cos every time we tried to sing it, we always somehow end up screwing the lyrics instead. grr. practice practice practice!

insane beatboxing!

2009-04-26T14:36:00.000-07:00

i just had to put another video of this kid! still can't believe what i'm hearing. ckck.
got this video off of collegehumor website :)

for daddie

2009-04-26T11:39:00.000-07:00

my attempt to sing and play TLC's waterfall... painful painful painful. but i had fun! haha. Quie's the one singing the second voice, btw. she is awesome! i wish i can always have her singing in the background. she should actually sing the whole song, but o well. haha. enjoy, dad! or not... wtv :)

ps: the audio sucks, you can barely hear me. maybe wear your earphones if you wanna hear clearer.

YUUUUUUUU

2009-04-25T14:33:00.000-07:00

crank dat soulja boy yuu now yuu now yuu.. *bops head*

..just watch

2009-04-25T12:36:00.000-07:00

uku lele

2009-04-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

halo. it's 11pm and i just got back from Quie's place. o btw, i bought a ukulele two days ago and i've been trying to learn a few songs ever since. let's see, so far i can play somewhere over the rainbow / what a wonderful world, tlc's waterfalls and adele's make you feel my love. those songs are mellow and they have simple chords, so it was quite easy for me to learn from. o yea and i've also learnt stephen bishop's it might be you. Quie and i love that song, we tried playing it together, me with my ukulele and her with her guitar. it sounded a bit weird at first, but we got the hang of it after playing it for a while. i loved playing and singing along with my ukulele with her, i felt so musical. which is quite new for me, since i have never learnt to play any other instruments before this. so this is actually my first time ever.

i found it so awkward after buying the ukulele at first. it came with a hard case and as i walked home that night, i just felt like it wasn't mine. it didn't feel like it belonged to me. i felt like i was carrying my friend's ukulele for a while, taking it to her place. haha, but now i guess i feel more comfortable holding it. my housemates kept saying the ukulele is all they can hear first thing in the morning and late at night before they go to bed. which is quite funny. i tried my best to play it as quietly as possible, and singing as softly as i can, but they could still hear me. stupid thin walls. i can hear my neighbors' tv whenever they switch it on. i feel sorry for them actually. whenever my housemates have gone home for the weekend, i'd often sing (or scream) late at night, and pretend like i'm on a stage in front of all my friends and family, with a few fans here and there. and i am pretty sure that the whole time i'm singing my lungs out, my neighbors were just there, dying to cut their ears off every time they hear me. fortunately for me, they have never complained about my singing. who knows, maybe they actually enjoy it. or maybe they've gone partially deaf due to my o so screechy voice. o wel. enuf about them, back to my ukulele.

i'm really happy with it actually, it only costed me about £29. it's especially tiny, i love it. even thought the fourth string can sometime sound like it's out of tune (it's not tho). i might have to go back to the store and ask for help, cos the stupid sound is getting really annoying now, i can't strum without hearing the stinging sound. i sound like i just suck at playing now. i don't tho, i'm pretty good for a beginner if i do say so myself, haha. o n i also promised the guy at the store, that i will come back someday soon to play him a song once i've mastered the ukulele, still thinking about what song i'm gonna play him (hmmm..). i'm also gonna record me playing as a video and put it up here and maybe on facebook as well. i want my dad to see me play. he likes to check out my blog every once in a while, so it'd be great if he could see me. we'll see. i'll have to wait for my housemates to leave the house first tho, so i can sing as long and as loud as i want to. o God, the horror. anyways, i will write more when i have more to talk about. in the mean time, wish me luck!

expectations

2009-04-21T14:36:00.000-07:00

i kind of promised myself that i wouldn't write anything personal on my blog. if i were to write anything personal it would be through poems of some sort. but now i have something on my mind and i feel like sharing it with whomever is reading my blog right now. i wanna talk about expectations. expectations that we either consciously or unconsciously have of other people. i've realized more and more this time of how any expectations i have of my friends, family, or even strangers often ruin the true relationship that i would have had if i were to simply accept them as how they are and not hold any mental expectations of how i would like them to be.

relationships with my past boyfriends, are good examples of the many expectations i had put on them as 'my boyfriend', for them to fill or achieve in order to make me feel happy inside. that kind of thought is almost insane to me now. it's obviously impossible to 'fill' other people's expectations in the first place, let alone be able to fulfill each and every one of them. i used to think that if my boyfriend could not be how i wanted him to be in order for me to be happy, then he is simply not good enough for me. as stupid as that may sound, i was thinking that way at the time, until eventually most of them would snap me up and say: "hey, i have my own ways of doing things." i never truly understood what they meant by that at the time, now it's crazy as hell to realize that i had that kind of frame of mind whilst i was with a person i actually loved.

the whole expecting other people to act a certain way towards you or do certain things to you, is bullshit. it really actually is bullshit. this is what i think gets in the way of true and honest relationships. if we have expectations, be it either small or big expectations, it doesn't matter, an expectation alone can get in the way of true acceptance. there are so many questions or more like complaints of: "how come you don't do this for me?" or "i have done this for her, why can't she be more like that?" or whatever kind, you know the rest, there are so many of these unecessary noises when it comes to relationships. what most people don't realize is that the effect of the chains of expectations we put on others can continuously grow like a snow ball rolling from the top of the hill to the bottom. they eventually get bigger. im not really good at analogies, but you get what i mean.

there's this guy on youtube who said it best, about relationships. that we cannot be in a true relationship unless we already feel complete within ourselves, alone. if we go into a relationship expecting or thinking that our 'love' ones will 'complete' us or 'bring' us happiness, most of the time if not always, they will somehow disappoint us. because, they're humans, just like us, they'll never be able to complete or fulfill anything in its fullness, they're not perfect. being in a relationship should not 'complete' you, you should already feel complete even before you commit or love anyone else in the first place. that is the most important thing. it is also the best part about being in love. when you already feel fine with yourself, and you love the other person, and he or she compliments you. compliments the person that you are, solely. it's amazing when you're in that kind of relationship, you can feel the strong presence of honesty and realness to it. good things come to those who least expect it. that's a little saying that i think has some truths to it.

i guess that's all for now. rapping things up, i think that any expectations you have of others should just be listened to. when you realize you have one or two popping up in your mind as soon as you meet a person, or commit to something with another person or whatever, have a listen to those expectations. smile or laugh at them, then move on. it feels quite good when you notice that they are there but you don't have to follow or belief they that need to be fulfilled. i call it a 'yumm' feeling when you get to that point of realization.

old school

2009-04-21T12:53:00.000-07:00

damn, i miss these two shows! used to watch them loads of time back in 1999.
haha, i sound like i'm 40. oh, and i wanna wear the clothes that Tia and Tamera wore on the episodes, proper old school!
"..kenan & kel, i should've said kel & kenan, and you gotta watch kenan cos, bla bla bla..etc..." haha. awesome!

..now put your hands up!

2009-04-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

ok, i find this sososososososo funny and sososososo cool tht i feel sosososo bumbed i didn't get to see it happening live right in front of me cos i would've been singing and dancing along to it with my hips all over the place. when i saw this, i immediately thought of my friend Quie, who could not stop laughing ever since i told her that i was trying to learn the choreography to Beyonce's Single Ladies song, and showed her this video (of a guy dancing to it) that i was trying to learn the moves from. now whenever i mention anything about 'dancing', she'd always respond by saying, 'oh, your single ladies song?' and this image of the guy in the video just pops up immediately in our heads.. haha. okok, stop.

i just think this is so awesome, 100 hot girls dancing to the full song of single ladies, in the middle of Piccadilly Circus, London! maaaan, i wish i was there somewhere, maybe dancing with them as well, with the proper black costume-swim-wear-looking-thing and my black high heel shoes on... *sigh* wouldn't it be nice........
haha, i can hear Quie laughing her head off right now.

♥ quie♪ ♥ says: (20:02:27)
oh if you're dancing with them i would be so proud of you girl
♥ quie♪ ♥ says: (20:02:47)
i'll be telling everyone on the street that the little asian girl over there dancing is my best friend in uni
tss: blee says: (20:03:13)
HAHHAHAHAHA

printing my 'baby' off :D

2009-04-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

7 weeks & counting

2009-04-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

hahaha shoot. its been a long while since i've posted anything on my blog. grr, i've been busy doing my bloody dissertation! i just handed it in today!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. i only have 2 weeks left of lectures. then i have 2 exams and an oral presentation, then i am DONE! FINITO! holicrapadingdong, that is some scary shit to think of. i can't believe that in 7 weeks i'll be done with uni. that's insane. everything feels so quick now, which is quite awesome, but of cors hella scary cos i have no idea what i'll do next year! but we'll see i guess... just gonna have to do whatever i need to do when i need to do them. one. step. at. a. time. hihihi. i feel like hugging my mom and dad, tell them i miss them face to face.... hmmm but i guess they'll just read it here on my blog, haha. mwa mwa mwa kangeeeeen. blee. okies. im gonna post the video of Quie, Rob and myself, when i was about to print off the final copy of my dissertation. damn, i kinda miss writing in here... gonna try to write more next time... hihihihi kangen and sayang mama, papa, gemessssss!

I FELT

2009-03-23T13:48:00.000-07:00

you

no shit.

2009-03-22T17:04:00.001-07:00

2009-03-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

a sense of Being is in me
and it no longer hides the boundaries to my way of thinking
he then becomes my soul, my sacred, my one and only
i grew my arms as wide away from my body
and project the spirit that was long gone
living right through me
maybe this will be a part of my blessing
to heal in search of something cosmically and intentionally real

call thy name

for words do not count nor stand for anything
but the demeanor of preservation
shall i come to the conclusion that nothing can mark away the glass which will soon break

for what has happened will not stand in the way of what is at this moment
a greater Being will cast away my shallow senses

there is nothing left to say
nice to see you again and take care

2009-03-17T15:41:00.000-07:00

Here it is that final thought I have lingering and I cannot seem to mend the heart that is aching, no it’s crying, no it’s something else, something more cutting edge, something more delusional, so I cram every thought of those things you’ve mentioned years before and a few days ago. I trace back. Lovely as the day may feel, the camera won’t click, and the flash of it won’t heal what I’m trying to seek. Yes, I envy the very essence of stillness in you, so nothing else can ever seem to capture more beauty than what you can do. Ah, finally I can reveal the ugliness of the words from your fingers as I type away my heart and thus forgetting how I got there to where I stand.

And there I stood, lonely as the two birds trying to start a new journey and they hold they’re feathers tightly together like there is nothing else that can break us but everything does. So I can shout, and I shout.

Everything goes beyond my eyes. So I stop, but I can’t stop my own feet that click onto your chest.

I won’t prevail. Such a success won’t let me regret what I came to you for in the first place. Ah, let it be the rising of the sun or the moon whichever one you want. I’ll take them down for you, letting my hands bleed as it sucks away the life I have given them and in turn they smiled yet a frown glows back behind them. And there it was. My frown. As I pinch my cheeks to leave a glimpse of lie. Burn as they may for they do not belong. Not here, not where I am at, not where I breathe.

Kiss thy love. Nothing more.

HAHAHAHA

2009-03-10T16:04:00.001-07:00

hahahaahahaaha

2009-03-10T16:01:00.001-07:00

big sigh

2009-03-09T03:42:00.001-07:00

I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS FILM! DAMN IT!

2009-03-09T03:24:00.000-07:00

India Arie - Because I Am a Queen

2009-03-02T09:28:00.001-08:00

I love this song. It's an old song, but I just listened to it again today and I thought AWESOME LYRICS!
I wish I could put the video up for this from YouTube, but embedding the video was disabled by request... (?) wtf?
Oh well, here's the lyrics...
"am i less of a lady if i don't wear pantyhose"
Haha, I love the lyrics and the song has a good vibe to it as well, great for 'grooving' around, nyaha!

sometimes i shave my legs and sometimes i don't
sometimes i comb my hair and sometimes i won't
depend on how the wind blows i might even paint my toes
it really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

i'm not the average from your video
and i ain't built like a supermodel
but i learned to love myself unconditionally
because i am a queen
i'm not the average from your video
my worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
no matter what i'm wearing i will always be
india arie

when i look in the mirror and the only one there is me
every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
and i know my creator didn't make no mistakes on me
my feet my thighs my lips my eyes i'm loving what i see

i'm not the average from your video
and i ain't built like a supermodel
but i learned to love myself unconditionally
because i am a queen (yeah)
i'm not the average from your video (woo)
my worth is not determined by the price of my clothes (whoa)
no matter what i'm wearing i will always be
india arie

am i less of a lady if i don't wear pantyhose
my mama said a lady ain't what she wears but what she knows
but i've drawn the conclusion
it's all an illusion
confusion's the name of the game
a misconception a vast deception,
something's got to change

don't be offended this is all my opinion
ain't nothing that i'm saying law
this is a true confession
of a life-learned lesson
i was sent here to share with y'all
so get in when you fit in
go on and shine
clear your mind
now's the time
put your salt on the shelf
go on and love yourself (love yourself)
'cause everything's gonna be alright (love yourself)

i'm not the average from your video
and i ain't built like a supermodel
but i learned to love myself unconditionally
because i am a queen (yeah)
i'm not the average from your video (woo)
my worth is not determined by the price of my clothes (whoa)
no matter what i'm wearing i will always be
india arie

keep your fancy drink and your expensive minks
i don't need that to have a good time
keep your expensive cars
and your caviar
all's i need is my guitar
keep your cristal and your pistol
i'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal
don't need your silicone
i prefer my own
what god gave me is just fine
(oh hah hah hah)

i'm not the average from your video
and i ain't built like a supermodel
but i learned to love myself unconditionally
because i am a queen (yeah)
i'm not the average from your video (woo)
my worth is not determined by the price of my clothes (whoa)
no matter what i'm wearing i will always be
india arie

Sodium Acetate

2009-03-01T14:46:00.001-08:00

I just found out about this!
Freaking awesome!
Used in hand warmers :D

Courtesy of: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Z5Yx9ULfD0

Eckhart Tolle

2009-02-27T16:06:00.000-08:00

"This moment is what it is, because it cannot be otherwise."

2009-02-27T15:15:00.001-08:00

Thy four letter word

You articulate satisfaction to the core

Grant us with such brilliant beauty never felt before

Oh the beauty thy create

No longer we cry of blues

As every trace of tension you take

Thy magnificence

With you we are pleased,

Blissfully pleased each time you’re at hand

Oh when you’re at hand,

We’re at ease

In every breath of tranquillity

Finally we’re at peace

2009-02-27T15:12:00.000-08:00

I thank thy sorrow
For soon I’ll share delight
With whom I like
Lets thank thy tears
Spilling heartache and fears
Lets thank thy heart
As it cracks but it heals
I listen, thy poetry
To breeze the summer lights
And elevate this night
To open all ears
I am no more nor less
No better nor worse
The grass isn’t any greener
To my right nor to my left
As one tear flows
A smile awaits
Behind thy gloomy faces
Laughter sits like a bait
I am anything
I am everything
I am whatever
I am whomever
I choose to be
Lets toast
As I am free
As I am floating
I am all that I feel
I am all that I see
Sing this verse with me
Oh, I am free

2009-02-26T16:04:00.000-08:00

In courtesy of collegehumor.

"dooche-boner-machine"

hahaha

2009-02-25T16:03:00.000-08:00

I'm on my 5th week of the second semester in my last year of uni

aargh!

dread-ing the moment when this whole thing will end on june

7
weeks
left
of the semester

crap...

:'(

i'm scared of graduating!

actually no, i'm scared of NOT graduating, but

i'm so scared of what might come after graduating...

i

don't

know...

ah!

crazy

2009-02-21T05:29:00.001-08:00

what i did today

2009-02-19T09:21:00.000-08:00

*clap-clap*

Haha!

2009-02-19T03:36:00.001-08:00

(In courtesy of AgentXPQ's YouTube channel)

Don't kiss me!

2009-02-18T15:27:00.000-08:00

(No kissing please, we're commuters - www.bbc.co.uk)

"If you like kissing, and you find yourself at Warrington Bank Quay railway station, just keep walking. For under new rules there, couples will be forbidden from expressing their love in front of the building, and asked to take it instead into a designated Kissing Zone."
(Watch out - you could be in a no-kissing zone - www.guardian.co.uk)

Haha! I just think this is so funny.

(In courtesy of New Tang Dynasty Television - www.ntdtv.com)

2009-02-18T14:32:00.001-08:00

I try to be strong so I put on this mask
Put a big smile on my face and laugh out loud
I guess this is the only way I can get on with my life
Now that you’re content to go on a different path

But for now let me just pretend that I’m all right
Put on a show for you and say I’m doing just fine
My heart can’t seem to stop missing you so much
But I can’t show you any of this so I’ll have to hide

Take a deep breath I’ll say to myself
There’s still a long road that we must face
I suppose someday soon I will have to accept
That in time your heart will fall for someone else

My heart aches in seeing the truth
I just want to escape as far away from you
But how can I stop myself from loving you?
No one else can ever love me the way you do

2009-02-18T08:29:00.000-08:00

I found this on my laptop just before, I had written it ages ago, but never read it again until now. Thought that I might as well share it.. :)

I’m 19 years old; this is what I know about life so far.
Hoping to find love from your boyfriend or girlfriend, in order for you to find love for yourself will never get you the love you want. The ultimate love that you should be looking for is within yourself and nowhere else. When you’ve learned to love yourself in your own way, nothing else can fade you out of it. Trying to find yourself in other people won’t get you anywhere but feeling disappointed. Because the truth is no one else knows you better than yourself, you just don’t know it yet. Learn to look for love nowhere else but in yourself, from there you can give and in turn receive true love from others you care for. How? Spend time being with yourself, without depending on guys or girls to give love or support to you. It isn’t easy but it’s worth it.

Whatever you give out to people will always come back to you. Lying, cheating, manipulating, using, any sorts of behavior you make will ultimately come back to you. The same goes with other people’s behavior towards you, whatever they’ve done to you, will ultimately come back to them. When I’m hurt, I’ve learned to be glad that I’m hurt, because I know that someday, somehow that person will feel it too without me having to say anything or lift a finger. Sit back, relax and live your life, karma will always take care of things in its’ own natural ways.

What we give out will only come back to us, so blame no one else but ourselves. And life is fair, if you pay attention to the way you feel everyday, happiness doesn’t last forever and neither does pain. When we feel sad today, understand and know that we will feel happy again if not now then soon. When the days are still shitty, start doing something about it. Good things won’t come to you in a delivery; you’ll need effort and patience.

The things we take for granted will leave us, unless we start appreciating it’s presence. Boyfriends, girlfriends, family, money, belongings, any living or materialistic things will eventually leave, unless we begin to say thank you for having them in our lives. Appreciating them once they’re gone is never a nice feeling to have, especially knowing you’ve fucked it up way too bad for it to go back. So be glad to have whatever it is you have right now in your life and say thank fuck you’ve got them before it’s too late.

Saying sorry and admitting you’re wrong sometimes can be the hardest thing to do. But you’ll never grow up unless you can learn to do that and mean it. Accepting that you’ve made a mistake and living up to the consequences is a part of growing up. So unless you start taking responsibilities for your own actions, you will never experience how it feels to grow up.

Treat others the way you would want to be treated. In other words, if you don’t want people talking shit behind your back, don’t do it yourself. If you don’t want your boyfriends or girlfriends to cheat or lie to you, don’t do it yourself. If you don’t want people to be mean to you, don’t do it yourself. However, if you don’t give a shit whether any of those things happen to you or not, and you feel like you can handle it if they were to happen to you, then go ahead do what you want. Understand that ultimately you’re going to be the one facing the consequences, so unless you feel like you can handle it, think twice about the decision you’re about to make.

Being jealous is about being insecure; we just don’t want to admit it. Why? Because it would mean that we’re not happy with ourselves that’s why we envy those that we think has something that we’re lacking. What to do to not get jealous? Be secure. How? Learn to see the good things in your selves and learn from your bad habits. How? Learn in your own way to love your body, mind and spirit, because it is the only body, mind and spirit you get to have. What else is best to do but to embrace what you have right now and make the best use of it, while you still can? Instead of complaining and reminding yourself of who you’re not and what you don’t have, start focusing on what you can actually do. Love yourself.

We give a fuck even when we say we don’t give a fuck. We’d like to give the impression that we don’t care about anyone else’s’ opinions, when deep down inside we actually mind when people talk shit. Instead of giving an act that we couldn’t care less, accept the fact that we’re only human and we can only go so far with not caring. No matter how much we want to think that we only care about ourselves, the truth is we will always care about others’ opinions. Caring isn’t such a bad thing to feel when we know how to use it the right way. However, looking for acceptance from other people is the type of caring that will give you no advantage. People will always have their different opinions and are entitled to them in every way, worrying about whether they like you or not would be a waste of time if you already feel happy with yourself. Not everyone’s going to like you anyways, so does it really matter? Is it really that bad? No.

1 of my fav 3Oh!3 song.

2009-02-17T09:29:00.001-08:00

(pics taken from their website: www.3oh3music.com)

I just bought this book - yay!

2009-02-17T09:20:00.000-08:00

When we two parted
- Lord Byron (1815)

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted,
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss -
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow -
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me -
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me -
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well,
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met,
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

3Oh!3

2009-02-16T16:57:00.000-08:00

www.3oh3music.com
www.myspace.com/3oh3

"Imagine JJ Fad getting down with Justice, or DMX getting all Depeche Mode on your ass, and you might have a clue of the kind of sonic blasphemy 3OH!3's bringing."

HOLY FUCKING CRAP,
I AM IN FUCKING LOVE!

CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO THEIR SONGS!

CHECK THEM OUT!

NOW!

GO!

GO!

GO!

NOW!
NOW!

NOW!

(pic taken from their website: www.3oh3music.com)

2009-02-15T12:11:00.000-08:00

what if you weren’t different from all the rest?
what if you cheated on me?
what if you never forgave me?
what if you lied to me?
what if you left me?
what if you were too busy?
what if you didn’t make me happy?
what if you used me?
what if you hated me?
what if we never met?
what if you never came that night?
what if you weren't different from all the rest?

2009-02-15T11:49:00.000-08:00

i wish i cared enough
i don't want you to leave
i still want to lie down
run my fingers through the grass
i still want to breathe the air so light
with the sun shinning through the clouds
i still want to see the ocean so clear
see the blue reflection of the sky
please
i still want to swim in the sea
see the way the sun sets far from me
please
i still want to see leaves grow on trees
see it fall in autumn
grow back in spring
enjoy the sun in summer
without feeling guilty
please
i still want mother nature to live
please don't go
no more talking about the world ending
i still want to grow old and have kids
please
please don't go
don't leave
i'm here
i'm still here
i'm not the only one who wants this
please
please stay
don't leave
not now
not this way
please stay until we can fix this
please trust us
stay a little longer
wait for us to make everything better again
i don't want to be afraid of reality
i don't want to be scared of what is

i can't change the world
but i'm not the only one who's trying

sigh

2009-02-14T09:57:00.000-08:00

2009-02-14T07:46:00.000-08:00

If I could wish for any wish I want to wish

For all my wishes to come true so that
I could wish to be wishing with you a wish
We could both be wishing together so that I
Could maybe wish for your wish and for my wish
To invent baby wishes so that we could have more wishes
To wish away our old wishes and make room for our new wishes

2009-02-13T17:05:00.001-08:00

Mama, mama,
Last night I had a dream, mama
I don’t remember much but you were there, mama
You were about to leave but I couldn’t let you go, mama
You hugged me goodbye but I cried and tried to hold on, mama
Mama, mama,
The hug felt so real, I didn’t want to wake up, mama
I missed the warmth I used to feel whenever I’m in your arms, mama
And though it didn’t last very long, I still got to see your face, mama
And though it was only a dream, I still got to feel your love for me, mama
Mama, mama,
I’ve been feeling so lonely inside, mama
I’m doing fine here but sometimes it just gets too hard, mama
But I think of you and try to be strong, mama
Show you that I’m a big girl now and soon I’ll be okay, mama
Mama, mama,
I don’t let myself get sick because you’re not here, mama
I’d drink medicines night and day to heal again but I only want you, mama
I need you to sing to me like you always do when you’re laying beside me, mama
Reach your arms out to me and hold me in your sleep, tell me you love me, mama
Mama, mama,
I’ll wait for the day I get to kiss you goodnight again, mama
When we can spend the whole day out shopping together again, mama
I’ll wait for the day I get to sleep by your side again, mama
Wake up in the morning looking for you only to see your face again, mama
Mama, mama,
I love you, mama

2009-02-10T15:32:00.000-08:00

When did it become okay to think women on beauty magazines are the only ones that represent beauty or what it seems? When did it become okay for little girls to think that beauty is something, which can only be seen through having skinny little bodies? I flip the pages of countless magazines and see pictures of women who are suppose to show us what we are missing, so they try to tell us the many ways to follow what they are wearing, the products they are using, “How to dress like her.” “How to look like her.” Lots more of these seem to proceed right before my eyes and I start to think to myself, what the fuck would young girls think when they see what they see on billboards, TVs and magazines? When it comes to beauty, what will they think when they see that this is what’s selling? Beauty magazines pints point what they want girls to think they don’t have, creating an idea in their heads that what they currently have is still not good enough. They try to come up with these little ways to make us feel the need to buy more in order to look more exotic, sexy or smart, so we can also manipulate other people in thinking that we have a certain persona when all of that ain't nothing but a mere front. Girls then get consumed easily in all these tricks the media play on us and at the same time we are subconsciously expecting to get something from all of the nonsense they've created, expecting that maybe somewhere along the road we might gain some self confidence or self respect when what we end up with in the end is self-conscious and self neglect instead. Insecurities then rises and the lack of satisfaction emerges, until we constantly feel the need to dress up more, act a certain way, look a certain way in order to be accepted more, in order to get attention more, in order to get guys to turn their heads more and call us the next day to ask us on another date more. Wearing layers of foundations and make-ups to what we think will enhance our features more, so then we could look more beautiful so we start to deceive our own current physical form and feel that we are ugly but the media’s not helping. Young girls need to know that this shit is what the media lives off of, this is what they feed on, breathe on, our insecurities and the manipulation to make us feel like we need more beauty products to achieve something they made us think we don’t already have and can’t have unless we purchase, so we must have it, must grab it, now quick, before a new trend comes in, yes, I need it, it’ll make me look more beautiful than the girl sitting next to me – when all of this is bullshit. More bullshit builds up on another pile of bullshit until it all bursts into diseases, and comes eating disorders, anorexia, bulimia nervosa, depression and the acts of suicide that just spreads quicker and quicker at a blink of an eye. What the fuck? I live in a generation where the girls we call beautiful are those being put on the front of magazines, ad campaigns with no fire in their eyes but a face that screams of a clown, they are frowning inside but the tons of make up on their faces help to cover how sad they really are? Girls that have been photoshoped more than enough times until not one spot on their faces seem to be present on the pages of the paper, this is what we call beauty. The reason why nowadays the truth is so hard to accept is because we have always been bombarded with lies all around the media and the media mostly is all that we see. So it is no wonder why nowadays girls struggle to be able to love, embrace and appreciate their own body and looks. Whatever happened to listening to what we have to say about the real things in life that can truly show off our knowledge about the world we’re in? Whatever happened to accepting ourselves without judging the size of our tums, thighs, hips, legs, bums, or breast? Us girls need to open up our eyes and hearts more to see the true beauty in its very finest beyond what our own visual perception can see. We need to look pass the many labels and the imaginary divisions between what is beautiful and ugly. We need to realize how unhealthy it is to have a shallow frame of mind as it limits our ability to appreciate things that are beyond what we call our 'bodies'. Girls need to think about what is real and what is a mere false perception of reality that the media creates in order to simply gain more money.

yum

2009-02-10T09:04:00.000-08:00

"Love is a bucket of feelings."

2009-02-09T16:46:00.000-08:00

I love Def Jam Poetry.
It encourages and allow people to speak out their thoughts and opinions, with respect through poetry in such a beautiful way. I think shows like this should be made available more to the public, especially to younger kids in our generation.
Youth Speaks is a perfect example of an organization that provides young teens, a place where their voices can be heard loud and clear:
"Shifting perceptions of youth by combating illiteracy, alienation and silence to create a global movement of brave new voices bringing the noise from the margin to the core."
Check it out: http://www.youthspeaks.org/
:)

2009-02-09T15:38:00.001-08:00

I read some form of a survey on a magazine months ago, asking random guys (I don't understand why they only asked guys and not girls) the question: “If you could cheat on your girlfriend and get away with it, would you do it?” Some answered yes, some answered no, but most of the guys had said that they would. So then I decided to ask my friends (both female and male) the very same question because I was mainly curious, and contrast to the results in the survey, most of my friends had said no (maybe it's cos I included females' point of views? ;p).

Their reasons varied between either one of these statements:
"I love my girlfriend/boyfriend too much, to do anything like that."
“I would not want it to happen to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”
“I'd feel very guilty whenever I’d see my girlfriend/boyfriend after that, and I wouldn’t be able to keep it to myself."

There were more, but these were the most popular reasons to why they would rather not cheat. I think it is quite cute that most of my friends were pretty conscious to the consequences of cheating.

It got me thinking about how easy it is to say no to cheating or any acts that may hurt our ‘partner’, when we aren’t currently faced with the situation. There are some people out there, who do not want to cheat, but when the temptation’s starring at them in the face, they easily give in.

Perhaps it relates to people’s inhibitory control, how well they are usually able to say no to other things like drugs, heavy drinking, inappropriate sexual intercourse, etc. Perhaps it relates to peoples’ self-esteem, how secure or insecure they are as a person may contribute to their lack of self-assurance in decision making. It may also relate to differences in peoples’ personalities, impulsivity may contribute to their lack of self-control. It may relate to how happy and fulfilled people feel they are in their relationship with their 'partner'. Or it may simply be due to boredom, thus anything new, arises the idea of excitement into their lives.

I think there are plenty more reasons to why people cheat and continue to do so in spite of the consequences. I find it quite fascinating how some people are able to say no, whilst others seem to struggle to resist the ‘temptation’ of cheating in the first place.

2009-02-09T13:34:00.000-08:00

The Axis of Awesome live at the comedy store in Sydney
- performed 31 SONGS (?!) using only 4 chords :D

2009-02-09T13:31:00.001-08:00

I love this saying :)

2009-02-09T13:07:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine showed me this video & I couldn't. stop. laughing. :D

2009-02-08T18:08:00.000-08:00

I used to think that the only way I could ever feel loved, is if somebody had said the words ‘I love you’ to me. I used to think that the only way I could ever feel wanted and cherished, was through the experience of physical touch. I had come to the conclusion that if neither of these things were to happen to me, then love simply doesn't exist.
Until a boy came into my life, taught me many things about love and proved me wrong.

Through him, I was able to see the truth. That love knows no boundary.
Love knows no regret, no ego, no pride, no wrong or right.
Love cannot be seen through status, through poses in pictures, through the words we say or countless kisses and hugs.
Love cannot be judged by time, by the events on our calendar, by the ring on our fingers or by obeying the rules to love one another.
Love isn’t any of these things.

Love simply is.

What it is that I feel for him, I will never know. All that I hope to forever feel is this pure peace that he brings into my soul. I will continue to breathe his very presence that brings warmth and serenity into my life. He will remain an inspiration to all that I do and all that I say. And I will share with him my love, my friendship, my experience and my heart. For he has given me the most precious gift of God, until this very day.

2009-02-08T10:10:00.000-08:00

The more I try to learn about life, the less I know about it. I had thought that by reading books on how to live life, I could somehow manage to become a better person.

I had thought that if I read enough books by Paulo Coelho, I could finally get the courage to live my life differently. Fearless, maybe? I don't know. I thought if I knew how to use ‘The Secret’, I could learn to go after what I want in life with more eagerness and determination. I also thought that if I could finish A New Earth, I could somehow find my ‘true self’.

Yet, after reading and watching these similar types of books and shows, instead of feeling like I’ve found the answers to all of my questions, I ended up with plenty more questions than I did before.

When the initial purpose of me indulging myself into these things were to simplify the rules I had of life, I ended up getting tangled in a bigger pile of unanswered questions.

People can only go so far in trying to explain the best way to live our lives, to go for our dreams and to find peace. They can only go so far.

I had spent most of my time trying to find something that was clearly there all along. When all I had to do was simply LIVE MY LIFE the best way I could possibly live it.

So perhaps, instead of always trying to look for answers in others, I should just live. That's what we all came here to do after all, no?

2009-02-08T09:05:00.000-08:00

Daddie, I miss you, I miss your emails, I miss the things you say, I miss seeing you, and thinking of you makes me cry all day. I feel so sad that I didn’t spend as much time with you as I wanted to and I’m sorry for that. I wanted to let you know how much I love and miss every moment with you. Whenever I think about you, I only have amazing memories of me growing up in your arms. I remember you would carry me whenever I get tired of walking, as I’d be trying to catch up with the rest of the family. I remember that you’d come home from work and the first thing you would do is to look for me to play with you. I remember you’d make these silly noises and funny impressions just to get me to me laugh at what you were doing. I remember you’d ask me to slow dance with you, with both my feet on top of your black vantovel shoes. I remember you always wanting to surprise me whenever I’m not looking your way and yet you’d fail because I’d end up catching you anyways. I remember you being the only person who never forgot which food I wanted to eat for dinner and would come back home from work bringing it in your arms. I remember you would pick me up from crying, tapped my back gently, held me close and asked me what had happened, as if whatever I had to say was important for you to hear.

Although perhaps you’re not aware of how much influence you have on me, I have learned a lot from watching you and listening to you. I want you to know that you’ve made me feel like I can do whatever I wanted to do with my life. That there isn’t anything I can’t be and nothing that I should be afraid of pursuing if I wanted it enough. You’ve taught me to go grab my dreams regardless of what people might say to change my mind because it is my life I’m living. I’ve learned how important it is to find the time to travel, to see and learn new things about other cultures in order to understand and know more about the world I’m in. You’ve taught me how important it is to always keep an open mind in order have broader knowledge about life and be able to see things from different perspectives. You’ve taught me that life isn’t easy, and that sometimes we’re going to have to do things we don’t like but we should still try to work through them even though it’s tough. You’ve taught me to always be prepared for the worse to happen because there are just some things in this world that we cannot seem to control sometimes. And most importantly, you’ve showed me how important it is to be patient with life whenever things are bad and to still remain humble whenever things are good.

They say there isn’t such thing as perfection in this world, but I know that’s not true because to me you are the perfect father. No matter what it is that you say or do I will always be so proud to have you as my dad. I’ll always hold my head up high and be so thankful that I have you to look up to in my life. You are the reason why I am where I am today and there are no words that can express how much I love you. You are not only the best father I know but you have officially become the coolest man I know in my life, and most likely ever.

I miss you asking me to update your iPod with the songs on my iTunes, dad. And I can’t wait to come back home and do that for you again so we can listen to them in your awesome vintage car. ☺

I love you and I miss you.

2009-02-08T05:21:00.000-08:00

I love dancing and watching other people dance. When I found out about these group of guys on youtube I fell in love right away! These guys are UH-MAY-ZING! I love the choreography and how they match so damn well to the beat of the songs. The songs they chose - holishietzo! I love the arrangements and how they flow so well. To me they are geniuses to be able to pull off such detailed choreography, making them look effortless almost. I watched videos of Erik Saradpon (one the choreographers) giving dance tutorials. Watching the group perform you wouldn't really realize the specific details of the choreography, when it is broken down however, you could see how certain moves or positions (i.e. where their fingers are pointing!!) can have a pretty significant effect on their overall look and performance. There are plenty more videos of them performing, but these ones happen to be my favorites so far.

Go to their website to see videos of them - doh keren bgt!

www.eketc.com
www.youtube.com/eketc

Other than the fact that they are very talented group of people, they too look totally hot - tee hee :)

Dhanindra Hayuda Yudistira

2009-02-07T08:31:00.000-08:00

My darling baby nephew concentrating SO MUCH on youtube (watching 'bambam' = cars), I couldn't take his attention away.

He hates having his pampers changed, so even though we both knew that he'd done some seriously smelly 'monkey business', he didn't want to admit it. So he said he 'kentut' instead.

Hihi, I love him :)

yummy lyrics =)

2009-02-07T08:25:00.001-08:00

"loose yourself let go of your pain
taste the air you breathe and kiss the sky
goodbye
let the butterfly cry
let them cry for you
you just dry your eyes
because the world is wonderful"

-Butterfly Cry by Kerli

wee

2009-02-07T08:12:00.001-08:00

THIS

2009-02-07T08:11:00.001-08:00

feels very weird.